ok yeha im no longer using this damn blogdrive. it got gay. so im going back to my less-gay Deadjournal which has been in existance for a good 4 years now... but i re-did it so its poppin fresh. ok yeah soooo

ok so yeah.. idk. this weeked= ok..
went down the shore to see the gram. fucking blew i was only downt here for one week in july next to this visit. im usually down 3 or 4 time/weeks during the summer but eh, work and such got in the way. i didnt do much this time. my step mom took me down and we stayed until 2 today.. i had work at 5.
while i was there we did the usual gay stuff.. flee market, ate pizza, chilled around the house, g-mna bought me some clothes.. food shopping bleh bleh bleh. sat. nite i hung with dan+elaina and co. for like an hr at applebees. it was alrite i guess, concidering i couldnt relaly tlak to elaina the whole time and i felt like i was acting like a flamer around dan,.. it being the first time meeting in person. bleh whatever i ges =/ i had fun anywho.
yeah so the next day me n jackie stopped over at the beach then had to run around LBI looking for a copy machine. stopped in cvs.. none in there. saw dan tho lol. stopped in all thses places then finally went to staples. saw soem kid Kevin i worked with at BnB last summer.. he obviously works there now. so that was kool. hmm yeah it was a good visit with the gram tho i ges. i slept alot hah. read some of my summer reading book.. rocked out to my tunes.. adn just chilled.
she always sayed that as her grandkids got older they slowly stopped wanting to come down and see her and i would always say.. nooo not me granny =) but.. yeah i cansee she was right.. and thats starting to happen. =/ i love her and i know her time is running out and all but it just kinda blows how homesick i can get while im there.
if only i had a car.
the b-day is in.. 9 days. i was supposed to be driving in 9 days. but no. im a procrastinator and i suck cheese balls and didnt get the permit in time. =( whatever.

theres alot of shit on my mind. but i havent had the time or put in the effort to put it out there. for those of you have have noticed somethings been a lil off.. thanks. <3 and im sry.. but yeah once skool starts hopefully ill be fine =/

all i need right now is a good party.

so idk wats been going on. a whole lot. a whole lot of nothin, that is.  lol. this week im workin 40ish hrs. 10-6 5 days. thats crazy. s'all good toh ill need the cash for skool and such.

i gata train the new guy tomorrow. thats a big responsibility. im scared. lol

yeah so school starts in about a week. scared shitless that my schedule will be all effed up. those fuckers best have my classes in order and give me lunch and gym with my buddiessss. or.. ill.. cryyy lol. im gunna take photography. put these hardcore skillzzz to useee. heh.
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jess moved to garfield today. that sucks. that means no more walks down grove and such. those were fun. no more late night wanderings. well.. shell be staying over just as much as she used to. she gets her car oct 11 so she can just pop over after skool and such. i cant wait to see her driving. =D my lil grl is growing up. i dnt drive til feb grrrr makes me feel like poopie. thats ok ill get used to it. im scared to drive and such tho. i feel as if im not ready. idk....

i feel fucking stupid. idk what it is. i cant think. my entries have really sucked lately. i think its because i need a new chair lol. this thing im sitting on now kills my back

wo0o0o0 sims2 comes out the day after my bday sept 17th holllaaa cant wait =D

k g2g ill update tomorrow

yeaaaa i have a prob. i think i  like one of my friends. for real. ugh what the eff.

well its 530 n im watching full house. its great but it sucks at the same time.

so idk wats been wrong with me. i dont even know if anything is wrong with me. i know that somethings still off but idk if i can put my finger on it. ive been working aot which is always a bitch. but thats totally not it. sadly.. i think i have a clue to what it is. im dude-less. and it sucks... because this of all things is what could be throwing me off. i cant write about it.. because the feelings arent there. there are none. im empty. but i do feel like a fag for even writting about this in here. the past year, my interests/relationships have overlapped. ive become used to having someone to care about, to preoccupy my mind with, to have late nite convos with..to spend time with.. ect. not only have i become dependant on the dudes, but the lack of one has made me suck. with nothing else there that i want to dwell upon, im starting to see the type of person i could turn into. im starting to see what im really like underneith it all, since i have so much time to think. i dont have a conclusion. and when i do.. hopefullt its not too bad. as for rite now.. there is one person im slightly interested in. but i cant tell if im just forcing myself to be interested in him or not.. since theres a lack of someone better. we spent one night together. it was fun but not breathtaking, and i still dont quite know him. whatever. i ges everythings gunna fall into place.


but... yeah. this is jiberish. after all it is about 6 in the morn.
this whole staying up thing is getting way outa hand. =/ hollllyyy shit.. TINY TOONS ARE ON. wtf i didnt know they still played this showww. whatever. damnit now im not getting to bed til 630 cause i wanna watch some of this . holy shat. trip down memory lane.


"hey! lets get outa here and watch, YO! MTV Raps!" haha michelles 'bad conscience sed that in the last eppisode i just watched'... saying it as if its soo naughty to watch. heh...

holy fuck im turning into a late night/early morning tv junkie. i need to change things......

i suppose all i can say to decribe this is.. i dont know who i am anymore. a re-occuring feeling that totally sucks. i fell empty, i feel numb. i need someone to help. but not just anyone..

i have to get myself together. i have one year of HS left and ive never been so scared. im doing things i never thought i would be doing, im saying things i never thought id be saying, and for once.. i have regrets. i always used to say 'i dont regret anything i do' but.. i do. i really do. im stupid and im not kool. im the apitomy of *lost*. which way do i turn and where exactly am i trying to go? who knows anymore... cirtainly not me.

i havent written. although i really want to, but i cant form my thoughts into anything complete. it would just be jumble that no one, includeing myself, would be able to apprieciate.

im nothing anymore.

and its time for me to change that. time for me to go...

Tunes: Anberlin- Ready Fuels

i dont know what to say. i think the best thing would be.. to freeze time. freeze time, and allow myself to accomplish all that i want to do, while the rest of the world is standing still. that way, i can catch up.
my life is breaking apart. do i have any glue to piece it back together? i dont think so.. fresh out. i think i lent it to somebody and they never gave it back to me..

0oh man it was wonderful. Well Ced n co. picked us up round 9 but we didnt get on the road and such until 10:20ish which kinda pissed me off concidering me n Jess didnt have our tix yet.. so we wanted to get there a lil early. Well it was 12 and we were in bumper to bumper trafic. We saw some kids get out of the cars and start walkin.. so we figured oh, okay.. Raceway Park shouldnt be too far from here. S0o me n jess get out.. cause we wanna get there ASAP to make sure that we get some tix. So we get uot and walk about 2 effing miles until we get to Raceway. Tix were no where near selling out and they were only 30 at the door. When we got there we couldnt find Ced or whatever cause we got there before them. so we went and looked at the lineup or w/e. i bought some merch. made some bad purchases lol. So keep in mind this is my first huge concert. First band me n jess see is International Noise Conspiracy. They were grreat. so glad tyhat they were my first band. But since warped tour was chock full of teenie boppers and lil girls.. there crowd was weak. So it was comfy. Right after them i saw Thursay and got KILLED. it was insane. i almost suffocated twice n went under, sum1 stepped on ym ancle and bent it backwards ouch.. and i got kicked in the head maybe 2 or 3 times by crowd surfers. So yeah it was rad.
After then we saw Coheed. Amazing. the best band i saw today. IDK they were just kick ass live and the crowd wasnt as rough as Thursdays. Jess wanted to see Bad Religion so we sat through two other bands cause we had kick ass first/second row spots. so we had to watch Sugarcult which pretty mcuh sucked.. it was alright i ges but it was veeerry weak. and We saw Lars Frederickson and the Bastards.. some guys i never heard of. But they were like this trashy, biker punk band. It was alright tho. not too bad. but jess didnt like em. Right after them was Bad Religion. Jess couldnt wait. they were ok but i was squished the whole time of corse.
whatever so ceds sis wanted to elave at 7 >=( which sucked cause there were still some bands we could have seen. I wanted to see silverstein soo bad bleh. w/e i bought their merch ahha. yeah well i mean overall it was kool.. i got a high five from the Bassist of International Noise Conspiracy. So hot heh. didnt really anyone i knew.. some kids from my skool but eh whatever
i was pissed tho. I had alota fun but Jess thought it sucked. so it kinda ruined it for me. she wants me to see sonic youth with her.. and if i act the way she did she would b all bitchy about it. but whatever.. theres always next yearrr
im tired and smelly and lightheaded so i think i should wrap this up... ill chekc back laterrr

yes, its blog time. maybe this'll help.. doubt it. jess is over. moms a bitch. i hate her so. shes actually beyond bitch. i wish i knew the word for it.. MONGRUEL. that sounds good

so i cut off all of my hair today. idk if i like it. its so short for me. my back hurts =/

i hate everybody. theyre all stupid. i told off one person today that has totally been pissing me off. im stupid for even caring for him or getting to know him. i know how he is. why should i bother trying to stay friends with a person like that? i shouldnt. i have better people to waste my energy on. things were great back then but.. why bother remebering those things and that friendship when it doesnt do me any good or get me anywhere? im stickin to my guns this time.

warped tour tomorrow. im scared as shit that im gunna get all effed up. eh ill live. ive been so pissed off lately that ill totally take my anger out on some bitch that tries pushing me to get to the frount when i wanna get there just as bad as she does. cant wait tho. i doubt ill get to see half of the bands that i want to .. but whatever. any band is better then no band at all =P

so what do u think would happen if i spit on my mom? because she spit on me today. i wanna do it back. you just dont treat another human being liek that, let alone ur own effing offspring. i respect her too much to scream back at her, slap her back, or spit back at her. after all, she does try her best to raise me and i know that its stressfull. but i wish to god she wouldnt take her anger out on me. its a shame that she cant be a better person then that.. or know any better. i cant wait to be a parent. im gunna do it r i g h t. i know this is going to sound corney but... i cant wait to have a family. i cnt wait to be married, have my job, have my kids and such. its a new begining to this crappy life that i have now. nothing is going smoothly. not only that but everythings going so fast. what a bitch living can be sometimes.

last night i realllyy wanted to blog.. it was gunan b juicy.. but jess slept over and its so hard to blog or tlak to people when shes here. she hates computers.. and she hates how im always on mine and such. i try to get her to see things my way but i cant.. and i wont see things her way so we argue over nothing. it sucks. im not good at arguing with peopel i respect. even tho i know i have the potential and points to win.. it never happens.. because im too busy trying to respect their thoughts and just.. them all together, if that makes sense.

i hate how everyone calls me selfish all the time. because im not. what the fuck. everyone=my mom and jess sometimes. i mean.. lately ive been trying to focus on no one but myself.. to get my life in order. that was EJs advice.. so i took it cause hes so.. wise and all heh. so now that im doing that, people are being selfish by calling me selfish. haha cause im not doing things for them constantly. well whatever. i need sleep. so that im not to tired to get pummeled at warped.

yeah my moms a fucking bitch. she needs to calm down. she gets out of control over the stupidest little things. i dont understand. i mean, i know shes sick or whatever but theres no need to take it out on me. Her being miserable makes me and everyone else miserable. =/